This post starts out sad (angry? angsty?) but it ends happy. Bear with me.
It had been a difficult few months. I felt so exhausted at times, that I would like to just curl up like a cat, or ride into the sunset on a horse. In the second scenario, I would prefer to have a stalk of wheat in my mouth, and a pair of old blue jeans.
It is very easy to pretend that life is going all right. You just have to put on a smile and talk to people, in a kinda sorta witty way. I like to think that even though I can blend in quite well with normal people when times call for it. Much like the Docotr, but in a way less intelligent, interesting way. I mean, not everyone’s lives can be filled with time travel and aliens and awesomely fun yet deep plot lines.
If addicted to Doctor Who is wrong, I do not want to be right.
P.S.: Sorry for a really bad attempt of drawing Matt Smith.
Sometimes I get so scared to make new friends. New friendships are delicate, and nurturing one is much like that exercise where you need to carry around an egg for a week. It is delicate and weak, so easily broken by words and glances and shyness, and the cruelest of all, other people. At times when you are already down and weary, it seem impossible for me to keep up. So I keep things light and fluffy, talking about cat gifs and food.
Sometimes I miss my family, my old friends.
I have been on the road a lot, and it is something that makes me fairly proud. I like to think of myself as independent, strong, able to face the world, able to face myself, able to make right choices and hopefully, able to help others. “Not all those who wander are lost.” I know there are relatives that think that I am lost. Gone. I like to think that I am making mistakes and learning. You know, like when you are a kid, and you know that you should not ride the bike down a slope, but you did it anyway because you think you have a off change of flying into the moon, and hurt your ankle, but you are kind of glad you did it. Or in my case, how I ventured into anime and fantasy novels and Doctor Who; I know I would probably study more but these imaged worlds are too beautiful. I like to think of myself as having side adventures rather than lost.
But sometimes I get caught off guard, life snarls and slither in the corner and attack you when you are hiking. you get bitten, and you feel dizzy and have to sit for a while.
A friend of mine from middle school decided to walk off a platform, into a train. It happened in late March, but I still feel the heaviness in my heart. It is haunting to look through the photos, and see her smiling back at me, so happy, so innocent. We were friends back then, and frankly we hardly talked after we were 16, because life happened. I remembered that she had that perfect Christian school British accent, and that she was the one making decisions. She was a perfect, a much better student than I ever was.
My mind keep on playing her last moments like a silent movie, every moment magnified. How she walked up to the station, and the breeze made her hair dance. The people around her walked fast, but she was slow in pace, patting the last will tucked in her pocket. A step and another, she stood on the yellow line that painted near the gap. She might have muttered apologies, under her breath, to her parents. Her tears running down her cheeks, like pearls running loose, but no one could see because she was looking at her feet. How the light from the approaching train grew brighter, and she took that leap. How softly she fell.
I stayed up nights, when my mind rimmed these down my throat, like that scene from Clockwork Orange. I feel so stupid, that I know I have people who love me and care for me and there is work and finals and I should probably call my parents.
But that scene expand like a ballon, a hot air ballon, a zeppelin. Slowly it explodes and the smell of burnt past feel the air, until there is nothing but tongue of flame, sea of smoke. I know it is silly, and there are so many big problems out there that is bigger than my little problem, but that did not make it less scary, or less painful.
Maybe I was just lonely.
Then one day, I sat up during the night, and I took a walk. In Copenhagen at night. Nyhavn, where all the postcard photos were taken, is a magically place. There is something in the wind, maybe, or in the glittering water, or the swaying boats. The streetlights, the colorful houses. I started smiling, a small but quite genuine smile. Not the dime-a-dozen kind. I could felt my eye corners winkle (which might cause problems, namely crow’s feet, in my 40s), and I giggled. Then I teared up a little. I sat on the edge of the canal, cried and laughed. Much like a crazy person (sorry, good people of Copenhagen for being weird). I could feel the stone in my heart fidgeting uncomfortably. I walked back home and ate pasta. I slept.
Things gotten better. I talked to my professors who were simply the best. This month, I started working for a really great professor who is beyond awesome. Also, the turbulence around that revealed the best in people. When the silent movie play in my head, I am there, and I tell her that she could see the greatness in people. I tell her that I miss her. I tell her that things are going to be fine.
The heroic mom who talked down the Woolwich, so calm and strong even when it was so dangerous. She taught me courage is to think logically and selflessly in bad times.
The people in Boston who stand strong even after such a traumatic event. They taught me to face difficult times with a smile, that a tiny pinch of humor can make a world of difference.
The students who fought for the first ever integrated prom in Wilcox, and won. They taught me that if something’s worth fighting for, I need to take charge, despite traditions, barriers. What is old is not always true.
All these bits and pieces washes over me like the warm bubbles of a hot tub, and my heart feels like it is illuminated by fireflies. Yes, I still feel down at times, and there are tears and laughters, but I know that I will be okay.
You know what, we are fantastic. I can definitely go through my little, tiny problems, we can all go through our problems because we are great.
Thank you for your greatness, (insert your name).